In the year 2000

"The recording artist once named Pink will be called 'Beige' when people realize that that's the color you get when you mix her name with the crap she records."

"Thanks to advances in automation, Nike shoes will be made by robots. Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children in Malaysia."

"The New York Knicks and N' Sync will sue each other, each claiming it was their idea to be five guys who suck."

"John Kerry will win the Presidential election. He will spend the first three days in the Oval office scraping Pokemon stickers off the desk."

The US Olympic basketball team will make people forget their horrible performance in the Olympics with their even worse performance of Arthur Miller's 'Death of a Salesman.'"

"The ice caps will melt sooner than scientists expected when 'The OC' gets even hotter."

"Ruben Stutter will lose 200 pounds when he misplaces his 200 pound bag of bacon."

"Wall Street will take a severe beating when Star Jones includes it in her jogging route."

Clay Aiken will clear up all the uncertainty about his sexual preference when he releases his next album, 'I'm Aiken for Men.'"

"A law will be passed allowing women to kill one ex-boyfriend with no consequences. Longhaired base-players named Steve will be wiped off the face of the earth."

"The cast of 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' will change its name from the 'Fab Five' back to their original name, 'N Sync.'"

"Not having a joke to tell of his own, Larry King will take a phone call.
'Witchita falls, you're on the air.''Hello, Larry. Longtime listener, first-time caller.''Great.''What's your prediction?''Angelina Jolie will break up yet another happy marriage when she gets between Star Jones and her waffles.'"

"After receiving a grant from Anna Nicole Smith, scientists announced that they have succesfully cloned baby back ribs."

"Thanks to a clerical error U.S. fighter planes will accidentally bomb 'The Rock.' Fortunately the wrestler will be having dinner with Saddam Hussein at the time."

"Ruben Studdard will announce that in order to lose weight he has gotten his stomach stapled. Unfortunately the staples are made of pure Canadian bacon."

"Comedians will feel so guilty about all the MC Hammer jokes they have told that they will mail Hammer a check for 10 million dollars, which Hammer will immediately invest in a magical chocolate racehorse."

"Even gays will object to gay marriage when James Lipton marries Ice-T simply to become James Lipton Ice-T."

"Batman will admit that he's gay. Clay Aiken will admit that he's Batman."

"Tony Danza will refuse to play any more characters named 'Tony.' The first role he gets after making this announcement: a bartender named 'Doug Danza.'"

"Star Jones announces that she is suffering from anorexia, which she contracted by eating Mary-Kate Olsen."

"After the last 'Star Wars' movie ends its runs in theaters, loyal 'Star Wars' fans will return to their homes and jump out the window. Luckily, they live in their parents' basement, so no one is killed."

"After Kirstie Alley joins Star Jones on 'The View,' the show is officially renamed, 'The Obstructed View.'"

"Ryan Seacrest will admit that his catch phrase, 'Seacrest Out' is not a cheesy sign-off, but instead a heartfelt declaration of his homosexuality."

"There will be yet another spin-off of 'The Apprentice.' This time featuring O.J. Simpson and his signature catch phrase, 'You're Murdered.'"

"After Celine Dion begins a 3 year contract show in Las Vegas, the U.S. government announces that it plans on resuming nuclear testing in Nevada."

"Michael Moore will protest the war in Iraq by going on a hunger strike. No one will notice for the first fifteen years."

"When it is discovered that it takes exactly 437 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, it will be announced that science is officially over."

"A strange virus will kill every man in the world except Conan O'Brien, and every woman in the world except Jennifer Lopez. The marriage will last 32 days."

"For his next project the artist Christo will spend eight months wrapping up a doggy bag for Ruben Studdard."